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Posted at 3/29/2013 10:28:00 AM
Today I accidentally woke up too early. So early that I ended up playing my phone for 2 hours till I bumped into something. And all of a sudden, I found myself walking through memory lane alone. Sometimes I wonder, why are we given such sweet memories if one day it's gonna be gone? And when it's gone, who are we to blame for ? There were two things I stumbled upon this morning, how my ex met his new girlfriend. and, how him and his ex-wife used to smile together.
First of all, out of curiosity, I read through the sweet note on how my ex met his new girl. As I read on, only to realize that the occurrence wasn't after we broke up, but during the period. I tried remembering those faded memories. I remembered it was night, and I was crying. We were fighting every night. I've made an impact on you, you were pressured. At first everything was okay. Everything was just as happy as the beginning. Then the clouds started to turn grey. Never can I understand what went wrong. When the mention of his name came up, I didn't remember all those happy memories that started when our relationship started, I'll remembered all those nights sitting, staring at my phone, waiting for replies that never can I get. But nevertheless, everything ended with an okay. And I remembered very clearly that Thursday afternoon, although I have forgotten the date, but I'll never forget the things that happen that day. The night before was a disaster. As I continued to sit and stare at my phone till the next morning, I realize this will never work. At all. That afternoon, I just thought that everything should end, so I texted him, and he initiate the breakup. I wasn't angry nor was I sad. I was hoping for a why, but I lost the heart to even ask. So I just said okay. And again, at the mention of his name, I do not think of all those memories created by the both of us, I thought of all the times I woke up very early in the morning, feeling painful and at lost inside. I couldn't stop missing him. 2 weeks after the breakup, I saw him with her. They were very happy. I could understand why. At times, there were thoughts of asking him why? But I wasn't strong enough for the truth. And today, at the stumbled of the note of how they met, I finally know what happen, and why.
Then, the curiosity burn within me. But there wasn't anything left to find out. So I went to search for his(not my ex-bf) picture with his ex-wife. I looked at the way they smiled for it. How they were once happy together, then all of a sudden, everything falls. And forever doesn't seem that long anymore. Sometimes I wonder, why do I constantly hurt myself like this? But I deserve it. For all the times that I pretend, that I lied to myself, when I think back, dang. How I should have use all those times to be curious instead.
Looking back all those past memories, sometimes I wonder why do they exist if they aren't meant to last? Why do we feel happy, just to feel sad in the end? And here I am, just had a big fight my bf. Looking back at memories, thinking why don't they last? Thinking that I should be strong no matter what. Thinking that I do not want things to end with him like they do in both our past. Because all I wanna feel is , happiness. and all I wanna be is , happy. :(
and happy is when I am with him. And happy is him ♥