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Posted at 1/24/2014 12:28:00 AM
Lemme count the number of days slash months since I last update . HEHE. Last update was last year. A very long time. & there's a lot of things that have been evolving around my life since previous year & I didn't update here even tho my every year resolution is to never stop writing. It isn't mostly my fault that I stop writing like I used to. If I actually want to go back in time to what happen to my hobby which I thought would never change (Thank God I still prefer writing in long essays compare to short ones), well, it all started when I graduated from high school & met a guy who is my ex boyfriend. He is not one to expose things online, in fact he was quite popular offline. & being influenced by the people who I thought supposedly are good friends turn me this way. I felt ashamed to tell people that I have a blog, twitter and that I constantly love to blab about my life online cause I prefer writing my feelings out rather than speaking to people about it. Then I started to bottle things up to myself. No writing to myself about it, no talking to people about it. Eventually, that's what have turn me into something like me today. Another reason that stopped me from constantly blogging is I've no time & I've nothing to write. Like there's no reason for me to blab about life anymore, even when there's something big happening. Maybe I felt that I no longer need to have a blog, cause I now have Instagram and the current Dayre. Nevertheless, whenever I looked back at my blog or even think about it, I would feel nostalgia because this blog used to be a part of me. & it used to be something that nobody can separate me from. What made me write today here, is cause this morning I went back to my mother's house & she gave me my old diaries. & as I read through, I could assume why I had so many enemies from the things that I've written inside, all those conversation that I written, made me flashback to times & made me realize what a rotten mouth I have. Although sincerely I didn't mean to hurt people then, but maybe people misread my words. & that is why I came to have a lot of enemies over the years. Maybe that's why I become the person I am today. Cause I chose to have lesser friends. Chose to choose. & chose to bottle my feelings more.
2013 started and ended pretty fast I think. I was back in college for my A Levels in January and then in June, I sat for the final exams only to find out in September I failed it. HAHA. 2013 was also the year when I lost a lot of friends along the way. but I manage to maintain my 5 best friends & the love of my life. ♥
It was sad to think that the people I actually love to talk to, becomes somebody I once was close to. But in life, you'll meet good people and bad people that will always come in and out of your life. It didn't matter to me whether I lost a friend or two. Because I know I will always be able to meet somebody new to be friends with. 2013 was also the year where I manage to maintain my boyfriend (HAHA) and not breaking after 8 or 4 months of the relationship and today we manage to stay together, and work things out for 1 year, 3 months & 23 days. Hopefully we can stay infinity numbers together. ♥ ♥ ♥
K back to topic.
As I was scrolling through my Instagram, saving up pictures that I wanted to share here, I feel rather nostalgia and a bit sad & a bit happy cause as time past, I grew a lot and learnt a lot and changed a lot . I grew to be more girly girl, prefered dresses now compare to just shorts and pants. I even grew to like my nails with colours! OH OH, I went for my first surgery in July. My right arm grew a tumour & it gotten so big and my right arm eventually got weaker as it grew cause of the pain it cause me. Couldn't drive for at least few months till October I think, when I started driving again. After surgery, I was slinged. Handicapped for a moment but I hate it! Although it made me seem special and people tend to pity me more but it was a bit annoying cause my right arm is my everything. & worst is I couldn't carry Xavier for a few months too! I couldn't do shit but what I can do is online. That is when I started my own online shop where I earn extra bucks for being hard-working on the internet :) and also I was lonely cause the boyfriend just gotten a new job and he was always busy.
Then shit happens............ & my life changed.
and thus the last 6 months of the year last year, I stayed with the boyfriend and take care of Xavier due to uncircumstances and nobody is able to care for Xavier. Some people may think that I am wasting my time, in fact, I still have a lot of time and I've nothing to occupy it with. And, instead of doing unmeaningful things, I've decided to be a young mom. Although it was hard to let go of my life that once was free, but eventually I learnt to be more appreciative because no matter how I try to control my life, God handles everything for me. Like how I said I would pass A Levels and become a successful lawyer after my bachelors, just as planned in 2012. But I didn't. Because I couldn't survive it. I couldn't control myself cause I hate Law. Honestly. Cause I hate learning new complicated words that I'm not used to. I hate memorizing Law and I guess, I just wanna write. I regretted rushing into Law because of being told to just take Law. I regretted not following my dreams to take Mass Communication. I regretted spending my 1 year following things that wasn't planned by me.
Xavier had taught me a lot. Indirectly, he open the other side of me where I didn't know I had. I became stronger in holding things and as well as taking relationships more seriously. He taught me to realize things that I didn't before. I learnt the need to appreciate my family a lot. Actually maybe most parents will realize this. It's how our parents took care of us and how they want us to grow up into a better person and I never realize how lucky I am to have such wonderful parents like my mom and dad. I never thought of my dad sacrificing his sleep during the night to get us to school early then work. I never thought of my mum who constantly nag about us not eating properly because all she wants is for us to grow up healthily. Maybe this is God way of teaching me about life. All this while I thought how to live right but I thought wrong. I thought I've learnt all the moral of the story but there's more that is yet to learn. When I read back the diary that I wrote in primary school about how my parents were bad to me, but actually it's just them caring for me, I've regretted that action a lot. And I never even bother thanking them for the things they did for me for the past 19 years. I think today was a sequence God had arrange for me. In fact, it all started when Xavier thanked me all of a sudden this morning before school. I was puzzled because before then I was nagging him to finish his milk which he refuses to! Then when I went to my mother's house, she gave me my old diary to read. I felt so silly reading it. But it gave me a lot to think about. If shit hadn't happen 7 months ago, I don't think this post would ever exist. Hrm, don't know whether to be grateful or to figured out life if things had gone better.
In all my life, I thought I have live right but I forgot that God always tests his servants. No matter how old I am, I will never stop learning. 2014, is like an open route for me to make better decisions and take better actions. In 2013, I notice that I like running away from people I hate most, maybe 1 day I'll learn to confront them. I'll learn to accept their judgements. Maybe not now, but I'll learn to be braver. 2014 is the year that I finally follow my life long dream that is to take Mass Communication and hopefully in the future, I'll be a reporter just like I wanted long before! No further 2014 resolution as usual, but I just hope 2014 would be a blast & fill with things that is better than before.